It Starts with Me

How self-care ruined my life is a long story and the results may feel a little unbelievable to some. For you to understand what I mean, you need to see the mess that used to be my life. But rather than go deeply into my story, I'll give you the broad strokes. Whether your story is harder or easier or just completely different, I really do believe self-care can ruin your life as well.

Years ago, I didn't know what to do. I found myself so often saying: "I can't do this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this." So many times that I am pretty sure I permanently affected my thinking in some negative way. The way I got to this point was through adoption. We went from two of us to five in two months and I found myself the mom of three scared, traumatized, angry little boys. There was a lot of adorable and loving and exciting in there, but these weren't the traits that brought me to the "I don't know what to do" so I'll focus on the hard parts for now.

There were the normal struggles of two in diapers, nap times, childhood sickness and car seats, but in addition to those things we had some children who were severely reactive and neglected. This meant secondary trauma for us as our life turned upside down. Food was traumatic. Sleep was frightening. Hurrying was triggering. New people were threatening. New places were scary. Extreme routines and consistency were needed. It felt like everything set my little ones off. This fear they had was displayed in the most difficult of behaviors. I wasn't really trauma trained. They didn't have a diagnosis. Therapists didn't know what to do. Two of them really couldn't talk much to articulate what was going on. I tried everything I read and everything I could think of and I saw very little changes except in myself. I became angry, guilt-ridden, sad, full of grief, isolated, confused, sick and anxious.

 I became as reactive as my children as I tried to grasp at some form of control. Wanting to see a semblance of "normal" and family. Wanting to sleep. Wanting to have friends. Wanting to enjoy a shred of being a mom. Wanting to feel some joy. I didn't want to swallowed by my emotions. I didn't want to be the type of parent I was being. I didn't want to feel so afraid. I wanted more. But I stood in the middle of the shambles and just kept repeating "I don't know what to do." 

And then, slowly the story took a turn. I realized I couldn't change them. I couldn't fix them. I was responsible to raise them and love them and keep them safe but I needed to stop trying to control them and get control of myself. And if I could control myself, no matter what their needs were, no matter what they did, I would know what to do, because I would start with me. I didn't like what my life looked like and I was ready to ruin what was our normal. I didn't yet know what self-care really had to do with it, but knew that the first thing I would do was start with me, which now I can share with you, is rule #1 in self care and the first step to changing your circumstances: start with yourself. 

The Ruin of Self-Care

There is an array of resources touting the twenty-five, the fifteen or the ten ways to do self-care. There are many blogs and articles in cyber-world giving you graphics of drinking vessels with canned inspirations such as "You can't pour from an empty cup". There are plenty of people out there to tell you that if you're a parent, you have to take care of yourself, and as soon as possible. And if you are a special family with unique needs, you have probably had a friend, family member or even your doctor admonish you to find your way to self-care. It may feel frustrating, if not impossible, to have people outside of your life trying to tell you to do one more thing. Because really, who has the time for this?

This word, self-care, can feel like trying to feed a tragically hungry spirit with superficial candy. According to what everyone is saying it sounds like it should energize your stamina for a marathon when in fact you are pretty sure it'll barely get you to crawl out of bed. A life raft is what you need, not a pair of water wings. Maybe this sense of false promise makes you think that this new self-focused hype isn't for you. Maybe you have clicked past the how-to articles and thought that maybe its for those "other" people, but your life is just. too. complicated.

When you hear "self-care", perhaps you have an actual aversion to the word. An unidentifiable feeling that just keeps making you ignore the idea all together. Maybe you think this is a word for a new selfish generation. Surely the pioneer women of yesteryear were not worried about self-care. You didn't see your mom do it. No one taught you to do it and you are pretty sure you will be the world's worst mom with some serious mom guilt if you shut down the non-stop giving train long enough to get something for yourself.

Maybe its fear. Maybe its exhaustion. Maybe its guilt. Maybe just a plain lack of willpower that is keeping you from trying. And I'm going to tell you the truth, if any of my words have resonated with you, most likely what you have heard about self-care isn't going to be enough. You do need a life raft. Doing a pedicure once a month is not going to right the chaos ship of your home and if you think it will- well, you'll probably end up feeling like you're wearing those water wings in the middle of the ocean. Maybe with one wing hissing with a slow leak and a tropical storm coming your way.

Self-care is more than a click-bait "25 Things" list and it may take some work to begin. You may have to work to find out who you are and work even harder to find the courage to face the emotional honesty under the busyness you have buried it under. Self-care is discovering what feeds you. It is learning to be you and appreciate yourself and what you love. To discover what makes you feel alive and at least like a real person that matters, maybe even whole. And if it has been a long time since you have fed yourself, you may have to dig deep to find the bravery to do the task of self-discovery and find out what will begin to change the direction you have found yourself.

The sugary promises and how-tos that most people share really won't change much. It is a process, not a quick fix. It is a journey. But a journey does start with a small step and that small step can be simple. Before that small step there is a decision and even before that a choice an idea. This idea has to be that you want something different. The decision is to give it a chance. But don't think you have to have it all together to see  positive changes. Self-care isn't shallow but it is one piece at a time as you put yourself not only back together but discover the person that you have never seen before. Self-care is personal. It is messy and wonderful and one more secret? It ruined my life.